Alive for FIVE... already?!

Five years ago, oy!  I remember it almost too clearly.  I remember feeling desperate to meet you.  I remember feeling scared I was being too stubborn, feeling upset that you were being so stubborn.

Two more days, that's all the doctors wanted to give you.  Induction was looming near like a shadow I couldn't run from.  Your due date had come and gone, along with 12 additional days. I was huge and swollen, I still can't recognize myself in pictures of me.  Your grandma and grandpa Honeycutt were in from North Carolina and they couldn't stay forever waiting for you either.  I just wanted them to see their oldest son with his two sons before they had to return home.  I was desperate.  If there was a trick in the book, I did it; a prayer to be prayed, it was uttered somewhere in your mother's heart.

As if you were playing some infantile joke, you waited until the 13th day, one day shy of the "two weeks post-due window" the doctors had given us.  And you came, a fiery ball of boy, 9 pounds 15 ounces of pure baby perfection.  

All the waiting, all the worrying... gone.  Replaced with a love so fierce that just the memory still catches in my throat and brings tears to my eyes.

That joke you played on us, who knew it would actually be part of your personality.  There is a free spirit whirling inside you my darling.  A heart that has it's own path, it's own destination and it's own time table.  You choose to learn things your way and figure them out by your own devices.  Watching you endure the process of trail and error pains me at times, because I just want to fix it for you, my way.  But this is not your way.

You are teaching me faith in the letting go areas of life.  I can't control you anymore than I can control the weather.  The more I try to make you conform to my idea of who Hudson should be, the more fiercely you cling to your ways.  How is a mother to practice balance in this?  I want you to chose Right because you want to do Right.  Not because you are scared to be something other than what I want.  Middle Duck, I confess, as you well know, that I have much to learn here.  Slowly, I am beginning to see that the best way to influence my free spirit Duck is to just strive to be all the good things I want for you.  Because I see you watching me, even when you turn your head while I talk, you have your eyes on me.  This is a frightening reality for mom.  So I pray, a lot.

"Mom, a whole bag of pumpkins!  For my birthday!
Thanks, you're the best mom ever."

Watching you mature this year has been both a relief and a joy.  You have settled into the rhythm of your life as a middle child and though at (most) times Sissy makes you crazy, I have seen you love her too.  I heard you that afternoon, singing to her as she settled into nap time.  I watched you, gently help her out the back door last week.  I have secret eyes too, Hud.  I have watched you learn to use your words, hold back sometimes when hitting seems easier and I am watching you tackle that alphabet.  Slowly. But. Surely. Never. Give. Up.

I also see you comparing yourself to Hayden and wishing he wasn't so "good" all the time.  But Hayden isn't you, and you aren't him.  God made you different because He made you a team, not twins.  A team of best friend brothers.  Hayden will learn from you someday too, just as mom asks you to learn from him sometimes.  Always have his back, even when he pushes you away and drives you nuts.  Because this is what brothers on Team Honeycutt do.

Your impulse control is growing and it is making your (and my) life easier.  This is a wonderful thing, but I hope your budding maturity doesn't take away from how quickly and deeply you love.  Your out of the blue affections are infectious and heart warming, even if sometimes those tender moments are quickly replaced with, well... something else.  I wouldn't trade any snuggle, any hug, any kiss, any "please mom, just one more cuddle?", for anything. Ever, not even for a boy who never made mistakes.

You are MY boy who wants to fly with balloons.  The boy who wants to build cardboard homes and live in them forever.  The boy who has never met an animal he didn't love.  (Well, except for monkeys.  Apparently you are very protective of your bananas.)  You keep pumpkins as pets and water balloons as pals.  You are my kitchen helper, my little adventurer, the leading force in Nap Resistance and you are my one and only Sugar Plum.  Why?  Because you are so stinkin' sweet.  You speak your mind, declare your feelings without abandon and meet discouragement with an iron fist.  You are passionate and funny without effort. (My favorite kind of comedian.)
  

May no part of childhood steal your sweetness.  May the times ahead of elementary never dull your ideas.  May hurts never harden your heart or silence your passion.  Instead, it is my prayer for you, as you start your fifth year of living and begin to settle into the path of boyhood, that you will find more cars to give flight to, more cardboard boxes to construct, more paths in need of immediate exploration, more friends who hear the beat of your silent drum, more stuffed sea turtles to cuddle you as you sleep and more love.  I hope that everywhere you look you can see the love around you.  Because I promise it is there, even during those times you can't feel it.  God is love.  And He loves you for always and will never, ever fail you, abandon ship or give up on you.
  

I love you to Mars, Jupiter and around all those rings of Saturn.  You are a joy to me, you grow me and you make my life more entertaining in a million various ways.  Always be you.  When you said yes to Jesus, He made your heart good.  Follow that good heart.  I can't promise I won't fail you at times, but I do promise to always be here for you- trying my hardest- especially during all the trial and errors.  No matter what.

Happy Birthday Hudson Eli!!!!!

Always and Forever,
your Momma

Fly high while you are five Hud!!

Yeah, just like that.