Where He leads, in joy we will go (without kicking and screaming...).

Out of the blue, via text, he recently asked me if I was where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. I had to take some time to think on that one. Sheeseh, this husband of mine usually doesn't ask me such deep, existential questions!  All the quiet, alone time with our dog this summer is going to his head.

I have never been one to make big plans.  Being committed to plans always seems like a great way to ensure I will miss out on the more fun thing that will inevitably come up once plans have been made. This philosophy right here could be just one reason my life could be a book on how not to be successful in this world.  I don't suggest others take on my worldview in this arena.  Needless to say, Five Year Plans give me the heebee-jeebees.  Not my style.

Being the fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal that I am, I had to be honest with him- I didn't really have a plan for "this stage in my life," much less a clear idea of how I thought it would be. Beyond the notion that I would be happy.  That is how I always see my future self. In my mind, my future self is always happy, regardless of how my current self feels.

I have always been pretty certain that my happiness lies just around the bend. I am a happiness chaser. Truth is, my heart is prone to wander, usually looking for the next best thing, the next best version of myself or the thing that will finally make me TRULY happy.  This actually makes me sound rather hopeful, and maybe I am- or at least I want to be hopeful. But I have to wonder just how much this happy-chasing has actually nurtured the ingratitude that lies deep in my heart. Because often, in the chase for future happy I am neglecting the good blessings in my Now. In the chase for future happy I am living outside of my Moment. So far outside, that I could even be feeling happy in the moment and yet totally miss it because I am so focused on the happy that might be coming my way soon.

Happy is a feeling.  There is no such thing as a "happy life".  One cannot feel happy all of the time.  Yet, when I envision myself in the future, I am happy.  What is this?  Where did I get the notion that feeling happy is the best reason for plodding on into the future? I think what I  anticipate when I envision myself happy in the future, what I am really thinking is that I think the future will have less troubles and in the future I will have somehow got a handle on life. Seriously, how disappointing will it be (and has it been) when I get to the future and discover that it too has struggles and sadness and frustrations and that despite all my efforts happiness still comes and goes. Happy chasing feels like riding an emotional yo-yo.

I have been doing this all of my life!  My eight year old self was CONVINCED that life would be better or easier and definitely happier once I could drive. Spoiler alert: it wasn't. Therein lies my problem.  If I am always chasing a happy future self, free of current trials- then I will always be chasing and waiting and feeling extremely let down because that life, free of struggle isn't meant for this world.

The reality is the life I have right now, in this exact moment is the life I am given.  Regardless of what I am feeling in this moment, happy or some other feeling- it is mine to embrace and give thanks for.  Certainly life is always worthy of living- even when happy is not the feeling.  And assuredly life is always gift even when happy feels a million miles away. My life is not falling apart when I am unhappy, just as my life is not intrinsically better when I am feeling happy. Anyone who has genuinely laughed at a funny joke, feeling just a flash of happy during a time of significant mourning knows this to be true.  But it is so easy to forget...

In my summer reading challenge, CS Lewis quotes Dr. Samuel Johnson as saying, "We need to be reminded far more often than we need to be instructed." So, I have to remind myself:

Feelings cannot make or break a life.
Even the happy ones.

I Googled, "happy in the Bible." This popped up, "Depending on the translation, the Bible uses the words 'happy' and 'happiness' about 30 times, while 'joy' and 'rejoice' appear over 300 times." I supposed it was no coincidence that in a search for happy, joy popped up. Based on just the numbers of a rudimentary internet search one can quickly deduce that of course happiness is a good feeling, but not the end game.  

In the Bible, David is all over this joy thing.  The king had a pretty tough life- definitely not very happy at times.  In fact the man had really good reason to be consistently stressed out.  Yet over and over again he writes about joy, about having it!  And when I look at his adulterously murderous situation with Bathsheba, one can see how happy chasing got him into some significant troubles.  If anyone knows the importance of joy over happiness, it may be him...

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and he helps me; My heart leaps for joy and with my song I praise him. 

Psalm 28:7

The apostle Paul does it too, despite the most awful of circumstances he talks about his joy.  I am reading Philippians right now and it is ALL he talks about, while sitting in prison. Rejoice! Have joy! Be joyful! ...four chapters, pretty much all about finding joy in suffering. 

  

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 Philippians 4:4-7

It is a faith-gratitude-joy progression that David and Paul write extensively about in the Bible. When I trust God to be with me in my life- in all things, I am free to be thankful- in all things.This thankfulness WILL produce joy, so that in all my moments I can have joy! As David wrote, I can praise Him because my trust is in Him.

Simply, joy is what happens when I praise and give thanks.  

Joy, is a state of being. Joy is a place I can remain in despite all things.  I can be joyful in sadness, in trials, in happiness and in my successes.  Joy transcends my emotions and situations because joy comes from Him who has created and redeemed me.  Joy isn't based on my own merits or striving, it is based on a love that never ends, Joy isn't dependent upon any thing, degree of my motivation or another human beings influence upon me.  Joy doesn't come from status, income level, geographical location or body weight.  Joy is rooted instead in the promises of an unfailing God. Joy is rooted in the awareness of how much I am loved, as I am, right now, in THIS moment and all the moments before and all the moments to come.  

The second part of the husbands question (yes, this was a multilayered ordeal!) to me went something like this, "Where to do you see us as a family in five more years?" And when I read that text, with those question words, I almost cried.  See, I have been working on this particular blog post about happiness for over three weeks now- prior to his inquiry.  I couldn't find my hook, my reason for why this happiness thing all of a sudden seemed important to me. Important enough to write about.  In true Holy Spirit fashion, God used Cutter's question to reveal it.  I'll be honest it hurt a bit- because I didn't think the words I had been trying to type in this post were actually meant for me, to actually change me. 

I was flipping wrong. 

See, in a couple months the Air Force will tell my family where we are moving.  It could literally be anywhere.  I will have NO say.  None.  Where they send us, we will go.  It is very hard to see my future self happy when I feel like I have no say in a major area of my life.  How can I chase happy when I don't get a say?! This reveals where I really place my hope.  It is my confidence in my own capabilities that has always allowed me to believe in a future happy self. I have always thought that I can successfully chase down happy.  That I can, against all the impossibility create a "happy life-" a life defined by it's freedom from troubles and continuous feelings of happy! Turns our I like pretending to be a god.  I like being in control, I like being the reason for my happiness, I like my efforts and decisions to be the reason my life is good.  I bow down to my idol of effort.  

I think what God is saying is, not this time.  Stop worshiping your own strength child and trust me instead. Trust the faith-gratitude-joy process.  Trust that wherever you will be sent, outside of all of your wishes and your efforts (or lack there of), it will be good.  It will be good because wherever you go, I will be with you. Lean on me, give thanks and joy will be there. Joy can be your foothold in the struggle of disappointment, moving and readjusting. And I am like, Whoa! God, that is a lot. Slow down.

The other night, it came to me: No matter where our family is sent God will be there and He is inviting me to come into His presence with joy. And no amount of my efforts in happy chasing will ever conjure up the joy that reality brings me. Wherever we end up, He will be there.  With us.  

I have an answer to that question husband, where do I want to see our family in five years?  I want to see us more fully rooted in Him- no matter where in the world that place may be- our roots will be in Christ.  

And there will be joy, lots of joy.