Although the man at the park had a mission unclear to me, his metal detector had only one focus: metal. It's entire purpose is to identify and alert its' operator to one substance. A properly working detector searches for, then beeps every time it comes into close proximity with metal. We will delve into the science of it in a bit, just hold on.
But, I do this too. Like a metal detector I do this searching and beeping thing- except I am not looking for an element on the Periodic Table. I am looking for humans. Humans who make me feel ummm, errrrr... human, I guess?
Recently, due to several factors, I began feeling unsettled. The unsettling, triggered my fear of being different than all the people in the world. This is a thing. A real condition, look it up. It is not the good feeling that you are delightfully unique and special (which you are!), it is Different with a capital "D". If I had to define it I would say, Different is that slowly growing fear that you might not quite fit in. Different tells you everyone else knows something you don't. This kind of Different is a feeling rooted in shame saying something about you should be hidden because it taints you in some way. Different happens to me more often than I care to admit.
Most of us have been conditioned to withdraw when our Different comes out, especially when our Different looks anxious, sad, confused or at a loss. I mean it is completely against common sense to tell others all the ways we think we inadvertently defy perceived norms. I tend to believe, especially when I am feeling off, there exist "normal" humans who have found a way to live free of anxieties, sadness, confusion and in general- always have a good sense of where they are headed. In my moments of delusion, usually when Different is running wild in my mind, I tend to believe these "normal" humans are the majority and my Different somehow sets me shamefully apart from the norm of humanity.
So we bury our crazy and we hide our Different, usually out of our fear that we won't measure up. Me? I bury my feelings of sadness and helplessness. I don't like being seen as weak. It scares me to think that I might be perceived as incapable or incompetent. I have told you before this often causes me to hide behind anger. Anger is a dangerous yet very effective method of burying Different. I bet you bury Different as well. Or have tried on a mask to keep it under wraps?
It feels safer to hide our Different deep underground.
The problem is when we bury, we isolate.
The problem is when we bury, we isolate.
It is in our isolation, our time burrowed underground, feeling safe, that loneliness grows. Sadly though, the single best way to help a feeling multiply is to hide it. When I bury my sadness, the sadness compounds itself and with it grows even more alienating feelings. Sadness, anger, loneliness and mistrust reproduce like rabbits in isolation. The longer we keep our Different hidden, the more separate from others we feel. Maybe we even stop feeling human altogether.
There are so many of us out there buried. We are hiding where we do not belong. We are hiding under the dirt and grass and flowers afraid of what people might think, or do, or say if they knew how we secretly felt inside our hearts. I truly believe that deep down in our hiding spots, what we really want is to be found. To be found and seen and loved. From our hiding we really want to belong, to be accepted. We aren't even looking for solutions, what we crave is solidarity. We are asking, "Am I really the only one who feels this way?"
We humans are survivors and we don't tend to accept crippling conditions lying down. It is in our DNA to reject Different on some level. That is why I believe somewhere inside all of us we are asking: Does my shame for Different make sense? We want to know that we are not as crazy as we feel. It is a scary thing to wonder, because we fear the answer. But, the beauty is we can actually ask this question without even asking!
We humans are survivors and we don't tend to accept crippling conditions lying down. It is in our DNA to reject Different on some level. That is why I believe somewhere inside all of us we are asking: Does my shame for Different make sense? We want to know that we are not as crazy as we feel. It is a scary thing to wonder, because we fear the answer. But, the beauty is we can actually ask this question without even asking!
We don't need to go around asking people if they think we are crazy! We don't need to ask, can you see my Different? Am I nuts? Should I be ashamed of this? I mean, if that works for you- go right ahead and ask. But that can be an incredibly awkward conversation starter for those of us who are used to hiding.
We are a people in desperate need of a metal detector.
The good news is, there IS a metal detector. The hard truth is, we ARE the metal detector.
See, I looked into this. (Science-y people, stop reading, please. My rudimentary understanding and explanation might make you squirm. Sorry.) Simple metal detectors work by creating an electrical current that produces a magnetic field at the base of the detector. As the base of the detector swings back and forth searching the ground for metal, it is the magnetic field produced by the detector that causes a second magnetic field to appear around any metal it comes in contact with...
He says it best, "In other words, the metal detector creates (or "induces") some electrical activity in the metal... if we have electricity moving in a piece of metal, it must create some magnetism as well. So, when you move a metal detector over a piece of metal, the magnetic field coming from the detector causes another magnetic field to appear around the metal."
In short, the two magnetic fields, coming into contact create a flow of energy that triggers the beeping noise we hear when metal has been detected. No energy? No magnetism. No magnetism? No locating metal, and no tell tale beep.
The detector I need isn't one that locates metal and beeps. I envision a detector that hollars back in surprise "ME TOO!" every time I hear a story, a fear, a version of someone else's Different that somehow matches my own imperfect, yet very human experience.
We are all Humanity Detectors. Trouble is, the Humanity Detector only works when one person is willing to come out and share first. One person must be willing to first put their energy out there to allow for a transfer of magnetism. One person must rise up from hiding, risk exposure to share their crazy, share their story, share their sad, share their excitement, their happy, their anxiety or their fears. One person must first share their Different in order to hear the tell-tale: "ME TOO!"
We are all Humanity Detectors. Trouble is, the Humanity Detector only works when one person is willing to come out and share first. One person must be willing to first put their energy out there to allow for a transfer of magnetism. One person must rise up from hiding, risk exposure to share their crazy, share their story, share their sad, share their excitement, their happy, their anxiety or their fears. One person must first share their Different in order to hear the tell-tale: "ME TOO!"
Like a metal detector, our energy is our story. Our energy creates the magnetic field that might create a magnetic reaction to someone else's story. When we come out, risk it, tell it, share it- other people who are hiding underground, listening might respond not so unlike the transfer of magnetic energy in a metal detector. When our stories of Different connect, we won't hear a loud beep, but we might hear a ME TOO! We will not get a response from every person and not to every part of our Different- but like a metal detector, we will eventually find someone who cannot help but yell out, "ME TOO!"
The telling of our story is like asking that uncomfortable "Am I really Different?" question without asking. We don't need to ask, we can tell. We can start with little tidbits of our story, some of the feelings. It doesn't take our whole book on Different, I promise. But in that telling of our Different we are quietly asking, "You too?" We are saying, "This is me. Please tell me it isn't just me." Trust this, everyone wants to know the answer to this question. We are all seeking to hear ME TOO's on some level. We want to know, but it is so hard when we are hiding our Different.
If we are hiding our humanity, we won't find others to help us feel human. Unfortunately ME TOO's cannot and will not happen while we are buried under ground- hiding our true experience. But they are so important...
- ME TOO's tell us we are in good company.
- ME TOO's allow us to break free from our isolation.
- ME TOO's bring others out from hiding.
- ME TOO's are how we are reminded that "conventional wisdom" regarding high-functioning humans not having the hard feelings of Different is a MYTH.
- ME TOO's let us question our shame about Different with dignity.
The truth is we are ALL EMBATTLED IN SOME STRUGGLE. That IS the human experience. The truth is we are ALL FEELING FEELINGS, feelings which have the potential to make us feel crazy, different and isolated. The truth is we all want to know that we are not alone in that.
This isn't a new or novel concept. In fact there is a meme all over the internet that reads some version of this, "When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of 'Me, too!' be sure to cherish them. Because those weirdos are your tribe." You have probably read it before. I love those words. We all want a tribe. Because what is a tribe? It is a place where we fit in and belong. We all want it.
Long before memes CS Lewis said it with eloquence in The Four Loves, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought that no one but myself...". Be still my heart. What is true friendship? Camaraderie and companionship. It is when someone sees us for who we are and likes us even more for it, because they can relate to some part of us. True friends usually relate best to the parts we are most likely to keep hidden. True friends acknowledge our Different and delight in it, usually because those friends serve as a reminder that we aren't as crazy as we once feared. (That's why I keep EXTRA Different friends. I humbly suggest you to do the same.)
I won't lie to you, it takes vast amounts of courage sometimes. So many of us have been hurt, ignored, rejected and cast off because of our story. Shame gets in the way along with some very real and valid fear. I know this. I will not downplay this because I have been there. Often times we have been hiding so long we need help remembering or learning how and to what degree to share our story. Move beyond that excuse and find a therapist*!
It doesn't matter how it happens, choose to make it happen. It could mean the difference between a life hidden and lost underground or a life being seen in the light with compassion and understanding. Or, if you aren't ready to share your Different for yourself, do it for another. Share, share, share your story, because someone else might need to hear it even more than you need to tell it. When you unearth your Different you are perhaps giving someone else who has buried their Different deep the opportunity to say: ME TOO.
My friend Renae, people LOVE her. They meet her and instantly feel like they have known her forever and want to keep knowing her. I am convinced this is due in part to her ability to see into your story and find her ME TOO. Except she doesn't say ME TOO, she says, "YESSSSSSSSS" in this really Renae-like way I can actually hear in my head as I type. (This is probably because she has said it to me often since I have forced so much of my Different upon her.) When she says it you can feel all the compassion and empathy she genuinely has for you. She beautifully see's her Different in your Different and it is so humanizing.
One word of solidarity connects. It can instantly make you feel NOT Different. ME TOO's and YESSSSSSSSS's are so powerful that saying them in response to another's story also requires bravery. However you choose to say it though- say it. And if you connect with another's Different when they have been brave enough to share it, tell them. This is the only way Humanity Detectors will properly function.
I am not sure if the man and his daughter ever found what they were looking for, but if I had to guess, I bet he was out there for the heck of it, not searching for anything in particular. I have a feeling he was looking just to see what buried treasure might lie beneath the surface. A metal detecting treasure hunt is how I imagine it in my head. Or at least that is what I told my kids they were doing. We can treasure hunt too. Treasure hunting is what can do with our Different. We put our energy and stories out there in hopes of finding something. We tell our Different. We listen to others' Different. Eventually, we will strike gold. Eventually we will hear that tell-tale: ME TOO! or maybe we will have the privilege of saying it to another.
*Regarding therapists... That is their mission. They get paid to help you see your story, practice your story and refine how and when to share your Different. Plus, they can't judge you for it or stop seeing you because of it. It is like some oath they take or something.
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