Operation Quiet Spirit 2.0

This weekend I overheard this crazy lady yipping and yapping at her kids for no apparent reason. She was loud, angry and detached. Talking at them like things, not actual human beings. She was abrasive and harsh. She was the kind of woman you watch at Target and silently pray a hedge of protection over her kids.

It was an out of body experience, because that woman I was listening to, was me.  Humbled doesn't even begin to describe it. I can only hope there were people around me secretly offering prayers on behalf of my ducks.

 
Obviously, I am well accustomed to moments of shameful parenting. But this was a whole other beast. 

This was a mom on auto pilot.

  

Awareness seems to be the key to parenting. To life even. It starts at birth. When the baby cries it is only through awareness that a mother can respond. Even our milk ducts are aware. (In my case, it was more like high alert.) But over time, as my kids have gotten older and began to ask for what they need and to express their wants, desires and gasp! actually be able to do some things on their own, my awareness of them has waned in some ways. Better put, my awareness has shifted. They don't need me in the same way they once did as newborns. Although an important part of parenting, this isn't the facet of awareness I am speaking of now.

When I go into auto pilot, it is typically because the present is too overwhelming, or because I have lost my SELF awareness. Whatever the reason, I am no longer paying attention to how I am making my children feel, how they are perceiving me, or how I am coming across. I have lost sight of the size and power differential at work. I am up in my head. Not present. Not there. Just functioning.

And when I stop being present, I become just a responder. A responder to my environment. I respond to my kids and husband and world in the easiest manner available. I respond with a mixture of my current emotion  and my unfiltered personality (Default Mode Momma).

SO not pretty.

Sadly, in default mode I am loud, sarcastic, harsh and rigid. My personality is not cutesy or sweet and my demeanor is neither calming or genteel.  All traits that make parenting with grace difficult.

A few years back I had a similar "out of body" experience with my kids. The Hubs was deployed (again) and I noticed just how loud (and stressed) I was compared to my extremely soft and gentle neighbor momma. When I tried to match her tone and volume it felt quite literally like a whisper. Since there was no may to make the stress go away I decided to go with something more tangible.  I challenged myself to tone it down a few decibels and try to always respond first to my children in a whisper for a couple months, just to see what happened.  Quickly, I noticed an unexpected softening to my entire being. My spirit was growing quiet, in a peaceful sort of way.  Not in a oppressive, can't be my real loud self sort of way.

I'm not saying that being loud, outspoken or un-genteel are bad qualities. In fact I wish that more of my fellow sisters would speak their minds with just a little more volume.

For me though, what I was watching happen was that I was regaining my awareness. Forcing myself to whisper was grounding.  I was slowing down.  Tapping back into the present.  I am literally genetically unable to whisper (talk quiet) without forcing myself each and every time.  It requires full body awareness on my part, I'm talking mind-body-spirit focus here.  And prayer, lots and lots of prayer for strength and attention.  That's why I called it Operation Quiet Spirit.

  

A quiet spirit is an attentive spirit.  An aware mind is a present mind.  When I am tuned into the here and now, I find I am subsequently tuned into all those things I listed before: how I am making my ducks feel, how those ducks are perceiving and receiving me, and how I am using my power and my size.  This is the antithesis of auto pilot, the opposite of Default Mode Momma.

AND IT TAKES SO MUCH WORK.  And it is hard.  And even though I know this lesson will be something I will spend the rest of my life trying to learn, but never get close to mastering, I am committed to it.  Because I know it works, I have seen it work.  Even in the few days since OQS 2.0 has commenced and quiet voice mom has returned, I can feel it.  I can sense it in my kids.  Awareness is seeping back in.  And to me, that fully justifies the effort.

So please, while I continue to be a mommy in progress... keep my ducks covered in your silent prayers.  I do so covet them.