Funny thing about being the first child born in a large family? I sort of got to watch the evolution of my parents' parenting strategies. Parents, if they are doing it right grow and change and make course corrections, sometimes u-turns and consciously and unconsciously alter their methods of child rearing. My parents have raised six children. Since I was the first on the scene, I have had the privilege of watching, to some degree or another just how they did it, how life has changed them as people and in what ways they have changed as parents and as a couple.
(Parents, our children are watching us. Watching us like hawks. How we do marriage is how they are going to think marriage is done. So let us do it well! It matters. I truly believe that it matters so much!)
Over the years, one thing hasn't changed for my parents: they still really, really love each other. Ask anyone who knows them, they are married besties. For a long time I thought it was just because they happened to marry well. They got lucky and found the "right one." Don't get me wrong, choosing "the right one" certainly helps- but there are some things that they have done, are still doing that seem to make it work. Like work-work, not just get by for 36 years now.
In honor of their anniversary, I will share 36 of those ways...
Just kidding.
I am only sharing one.
My dad says this phrase often, or some version of it- "It will make your mom happy." I will ask, "Dad, why are you doing this (some random thing) now?" He will respond, "Well, it will make your mom happy." My dad is pretty much always concerned with how whatever he is doing will affect my mom. He genuinely wants her to be happy. We have all heard the phrase, "Happy wife, happy life," but that isn't always true. A man can get real unhappy if all of his efforts at creating a "happy wife" breed resentment in his heart. An unhappy husband makes for a VERY unhappy life just as well.
The thing is, my dad isn't looking to make my mom happy just to make his life easier. My dad wants my mom to feel happy because he loves her. He genuinely, still to this day, seems to enjoy his mission of pleasing her. If that means searching endlessly for just the right car for her, carrying huge boulders to her rock garden all the way from Canada, or leaving her love notes that say "You are so beautiful to me" he will do it. From my perspective, he does it in love, for his bride. It is obvious.
My mom, she married a bit of a loon. I can say that because I inherited most of his same looniness. We are both pretty loud (especially in the morning), attention seeking (we like to make people laugh) and have a habit of singing loudly at really inappropriate times- (like a crowded grocery store checkout lane). My dad's favorite game is to smile this goofy smile into any mirror he can find and then look at you with said goofy smile and ask, "how do I look?" I have NO idea how many times my poor mom has had to answer this question all while looking at his ridiculous smile.
Despite his sometimes potentially embarrassing antics, you know what I have never heard my mom do? Mock him. Not once have I ever heard her tease him maliciously, or belittle him in any way. She doesn't always humor him- I am a daddy's girl and even I can't manage to humor this funny man all the time- but, she consistently lifts him up. My mom has affirmed my dad to me in both words and actions my whole life. I know what my dad's strengths are chiefly because she has always pointed them out to me: "You dad is such a hard worker." "Your dad has a tender heart." "Your dad is so generous." "Your dad really loves you kids." My mom is my dad's number one cheerleader.
She helped make him into the idol he is for me and my brothers. Us kids all think our dad has hung the moon and I am certain it is because the way we first came to see him was through the eyes of our mom.
They disagree, I learned this once I became an adult. Although I was honestly shocked when I first discovered around the age of 20 (no joke) that they really had disagreements. I am not trying to put them on a pedestal here or call their marriage perfect. I know they would not want that. But what I do want to acknowledge is that they have done some tremendous things right: things that I want for my own marriage, things that I want my kids to see and remember so that they will want it for their own marriage someday.
I think the "thing" they do that makes their marriage work so well is that they believe with all their heart that the other person is "the right one" for them. When that belief is at the foundation of your marriage and you work from that premise, mutually upholding your spouse as the Only One for You- even and especially when things get hard... that has the power to help keep you seeing your other half as the important half and treating them as such. That's what my mom and dad have done. They have chosen every day, for the last 36 years to uphold the other as their one and only.
Thank you mom and dad for loving each other well.
The five brothers and I love you and consider ourselves beyond blessed to call you our parents- to have you as role models for life, parenting, Jesus following and marriage.
Happy 36 years.
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment