Dearest children,
Today is Mother's Day, which means you are supposed to listen the first time to everything I say, all day long. Did you hear me? ALL DAY LONG. THE FIRST TIME. So hear this and hear it well:
I love you.
That is it. That is all you need to know. I love you with all my molecules. I love you in a way that doesn't even make sense. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were my possibility. You are my greatest adventure.
But an adventure isn't an adventure without a struggle. The Hobbit taught us that, eh?
My Motherhood Adventure has been and will probably continue to be my great struggle. My sanding stone if you will. You see, I assumed motherhood would be easy for me. NEVER assume this. Well, never assume anything really, but certainly NEVER assume that anything will be easy. It is just begging to be taught a lesson. Trust me in this.
Nope. Motherhood turned out to be a circle hole and I was a square peg. Just like that shape sorting game we play. My shape didn't fit well into the Motherhood space. When I realized this, it was scary for me. I wondered and cried many of nights, how could I love these Littles of mine so much and yet struggle so hard to be their mommy?
I'm going to make this quick because I know you have places to go and friends to battle with...
What I have come to realize is this: just because I became a mommy, didn't mean I stopped being Angie. The old, before being a mom, Angie had some baggage. Just as I didn't become a square peg overnight, I couldn't become a circle one overnight either.
My square has four corners: Selfishness, Pride, Insecurity and Vanity. I entered motherhood with all four corners properly sharpened and ready to wound those who might hurt me. Those four corners were ways I had learned to defend myself from the world. I thought they were keeping me safe. But those four corners made motherhood really difficult. Impossible, in fact.
Through grace, one by one, God has used each of you to sand down one of those edges.
My oldest Magoo, you have shown me the gift that is putting others needs before my own. Through the sanding of Selfishness I had to learn true self-care and come face to face with just how desperately I liked things MY way.
My Middle Duck you have helped me sand down Pride. I thought I could control and oh how I took pride in that- you have demonstrated otherwise and have shown me the humility that is tearful, face down, I have NO control prayer.
My Sweet Potato Pie you came into my life during a tumultuous time, seeped in insecurity. Fear reigned supreme in my heart. Yet, you were so constant- to meet your needs I just needed to do the next right thing. One step at a time. Looking ahead to possible fears and failures seemed pointless when I could abide in Christ, who was and is present in each moment with me.
Dazel Doll, you haven't been around long, but around long enough to begin to reveal the depths of my own vanity. I am getting older and skin hasn't firmed up the way it did before. Post-baby bulges are still bulging and looking into a mirror without mascara has become an act of faith. A big part of me really wishes for the youthful, thin, well-rested self that I used to be. And then you smile. And I literally melt inside and NONE of that matters. Really, truly. It took four babies for me to fully understand that in motherhood the body-baby trade is absolutely worth it. I would willingly take a billion stretch marks if it meant you. Because Me, isn't my body.
Me is my heart and soul. You Littles of mine have helped me see some of the beauty of my soul, some of the real worth I have as a human. God has used you to utterly grab hold of my heart. He has taken my motherhood training and made it Rest in Him training. Because the ONLY way to get through this life with an ounce of peace is to know him and trust in Him- all the time. HEAR THIS!!!!! It is still my day, you better still be listening...
Now, you know me, you live with me. I'm obviously still a circle peg in training. My square corners reign supreme much more often than I am even aware. But, the process is in motion. The sanding and reshaping has begun. Day by day, year by year, Little by Little I feel a bit less uncomfortable and stuffed into this Motherhood hole.
I have you to thank. Thank you for allowing me this adventure. Thank you for letting me love you and grow with you. Know that I will always keep working on my edges, because it is worth it. You are worth it. I am worth it.
I love you, to the moon and back, then right around Jupiter six times.
Happy Mothers Day. And yes, you can go jump on the trampoline with your friends now.
Love,
Mom
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