Priorities

I have been running a lot this year.  Consistently logging 40+ miles a week, with most of those miles done while children are sleeping.  This means a grandma bedtime and an alarm clock that rings before 5 am... most days.  Core work and yoga, to avoid a thrown out back has to happen while babies are napping.  

Two things have been compromised most by this marathon training schedule 1) TV (I only watched TWO episodes of Downton this season and STILL have not caught up on PBS.com) and 2) My quiet time with God.  I can obviously live with out compromise #1.  It is #2 that has caught up with me.  I was operating under the false assumption that running while pod casting sermons, listening to Jesus music and talking about God would (all good things by the way) be able to make up for the time I wasn't spending in the Word and talking TO my God.  

My relationship with God was compromised when I stopped making my time with Him a priority.  It is like trying to have a relationship with your husband, but instead of talking to him, you just talk about him to all your friends.  And that is both ridiculous and impossible.  I know because I have tried that route (with my dear husband).  It is the exact same thing for me and God.  Because just like in my marriage, I always feel more secure in myself when I am openly communicating with Him.  

My first clue that things were out of balance and priorities were jacked should have been when a generalized sense of insecurity began to creep in.  I watched them creep, then seep, and then I started channeling all of those feelings against my body.  I do this funny thing (that I am pretty sure NO one else has ever done before ;)).  This thing when I feel insecure, I make it all about my body.  I get myself all worked up over how ugly, fat, awful or zitty I am (really, insert just about any negative adjective used to describe a human that you can think of and I have probably slammed myself with it before).  I get so focused on just how Flawed I am, that I stop functioning.  All brain power and physical energy goes into stopping and managing "the Flaw." Thoughts become dark and obsessive and pretty much everything I see and hear can somehow be redirected into proving that said Flaw truly is devastating and will ruin my life if I don't destroy the Flaw and regain control immediately.  Except the Flaw can never be fully destroyed, because I ultimately am the Flaw.  But in the thick of it, I lack the awareness and presence of mind to identify such obviousness.  

Sometimes, when I am in right relationship with God, I can combat these thoughts and see the Flaw for what it is, but this time around I found myself quickly back into the realm of the obsessive.  The Flaw was winning.  To the point where my sharp edges towards myself were beginning to cut through into other relationships.  This is something I abhor, I (laughably) pride myself on cutting only myself with my sharp edges.  But I was taking it out on my kids, my husband, my friends.  It is sort of like, if they can't see my Flaw, then I will give them another Flaw to contend with... my self-righteous anger and indignation over their inability to help me conquer the Flaw.

It took over a  month of body slamming and obsessive thinking to put my finger on just where my lack of security was stemming.  I can see it now, my priorities were jacked.  I wasn't allowing Truth to soak into me on a daily basis.  The daily grind plus running schedule was taking precedence.  AND IT WASN'T WORKING!!!  I am not saying by any means that when I spend consistent, daily time in the Word that my life is easier.  The problems are still there.  It's just that life becomes more manageable.  Manageable in that I more aware of who I really am and where it is I want to be going.  

I am not of this world any more.  My sense of security can never come from how skinny I feel, how strong my core is, how accurately I followed the running schedule this week, or how well I conform to the standards of life I have arbitrarily concocted in my tiny brain.  My worth stems from my relationship to my King.  A relationship that produces fruit only when I nurture it.  When I put the work in.  He has been here waiting, I was the one, quite literally running from Him.

Who I really am is a princess. 

Where I really want to be running is towards the King.

And when I focus on that, the Flaw doesn't go away, its importance fades.  Because I am focused on what is going on in my heart instead.

That is freedom.  Freedom from Flaws.