Lanikai

Some (okay, most) days, you get to the end and you are just done.  Stick a fork in ya kind of done.  Today was that kind of day.  In addition to managing a particularly moody four year old we finally beached on a new spot with friends, walked home from school in a monsoon-like down pour and had a play date... all while running on no naps.  But out of the chaos came a moment of clarity for me.  Did this make it worth it?  Maybe.

  

We only spent an hour and a half on Lanikai beach, and it is as gorgeous as everyone touts.  Part of the beauty is the peace that rests there. It was in the peace where we met a friend named Greg from Houston, who now lives on the island.  Greg from Houston swims from the beach, to the island and back.  It is a two mile round trip, thus making him a rock star in my book.  

Deep conversations frequently happen to me in peaceful places, with friendly strangers.  This friendly stranger was no different and I end up telling Greg a bit about my struggle to raise my middle duck, the boy who has such big ideas.  And Greg says, "well, it would be frustrating to be a boy who sees the plan, yet lacks the capabilities to carry it out."  "Precisely," I say, "I tell him I don't understand and this only frustrates him further."  Greg says to me, "Well then, say to him, 'show me how."

Show me how.

Those could be words of gold for a boy like Hudson.

That is really all he wants.  He wants to be heard and he wants to be understood.  And he just wants to show you his big idea.  His big plans are very often contingent upon my ability to understand and to help him carry out the parts he can't quite do yet.  "Show me how" can be my in.  A calm way of vocalizing that I want to help, but need him to help me to. 

We both just want understanding

.

Isn't this the crux of all relationships?  To be understood? What frustrates Hud most about me is that I don't ever seem to "get" what he is saying.  (Well, that and how I won't let him drink hot chocolate milk four times a day.)  And as a grown up, this is exactly the thing that most often frustrates me in relationship.  I just want people to get me.  To get what I am saying, to speak my language, to see what is really going on, to sense the intricacies of my heart, to be tender to my rough edges, to interpret what my words are failing to say... and that doesn't happen very often.  To any of us it seems.

That sense of misunderstanding so often leads to loneliness.  I used to take that loneliness and retreat into safe places of anonymity.  Places that required only a smile, not a story or soul.  Places where I could hide and pretend that I was happy with false connection.  I try not to go to those places anymore.  So often, I am left trying to actually manage that state of being.  It is tricky.

This causes me to ponder Hud.  When I consider all the self-destructive behaviors I mastered out of loneliness and misunderstanding, it makes perfect sense to me that loneliness and misunderstanding would cause him to get angry.  Why?  Well, I turned my anger into myself.  He still turns his anger out, into the world.  And why wouldn't he?  He is angry because nobody gets it.  Nobody can see his big picture.  If nobody gets it, then everybody should pay.  Totally logical anger.

Frustration and anger and loneliness go hand in hand when you are four, 24 or 34.

All this fantastic empathy I have composed into words.  Yet why, in the moment is it so hard to employ.  Why, when he is throwing a "will it ever end?" fit and expressing all of his frustration, is it so hard to see the loneliness and frustration?  Why can't I recall in those moments how it was for me when I felt misunderstood?  Slowing down, breathing deep, praying for eyes to see the heart issue... not just identify the negative behavior that is in my face... those are the things that will create space to respond in empathy to the true issue at hand-  Then I can better bridge the misunderstanding chasm with a genuine invitation to, "show me how."  Let me in, you are not in this alone, I want to see it as you see it, help me in Buddy.  Because I love you and I want to see your big ideas too.  Show me how.  I am finding on some days, this is really hard to actually do.

Slowing down, breathing deep, praying for eyes to see the heart issue and act accordingly... that is my mommy resolution for tomorrow.  And the tomorrows after that.  Oh, I wish someone could actually show ME how.       

The entrance to tranquility.

Middle Duck and his one cup of hot chocolate milk at the beach.
Those islands in the background, that is where Mr. Greg swims to.  Rockstar.