Back to school blues...

The reality that Hayden starts kindergarten has finally sunk in.  Or rather, I have finally agreed to acknowledged that it is going to happen.  We have done registration, got immunizations in order, had the back to school physical and even got a new backpack.  But I have been putting off buying school supplies.
1) That list is insanely intimidating.  I am unsure how, after 19 years of my own schooling, there are items on that list I don't recognize.
2)  I don't want him to go.

There, I said it.

I really don't.
 
There are various reasons, but chiefly, I am going to be lonely for him.  He has been my one constant companion, through all of grad school, two deployments, the addition of his brother and sister, MANY MANY road trips to Minnesota and back again to Colorado, and now a move to Hawaii.  He has seen me at my worst, he has seen me at my best and every day he still tells me he loves me to "Pluto and back again."  He loves Jesus and wants to know him more.  He is my "big helper".  He is my own personal reminder system:  "Ah, mom, remember you said it was Shannon's birthday and you told me to tell you to get her a card."  (Which I STILL forgot, but that is not his fault.)
And now that I have made him sound completely parentified and all my parenting skills will (and should) be called into question.  I will admit that my motives for keeping him home are selfish.  I love him, but I don't want his universe to revolve solely around me.  That is why we let children grow up, right?  So that they can see where and how they fit into the bigger picture.  So that their universe expands beyond the comfort of mom.
It is just that 5 seems so young to let them learn that lesson.  The world is so, so big.  He is still so, so little.

See?  This guy is definitely NOT big enough for school!

He can't possibly be almost 6?!

My traveling buddy on his first trip to MN.

But, he is almost 6 and the school system says it is time for him to start.  And since I don't feel a strong calling to home school him, it is time to buy his school supplies.  It is time for me to help get him excited.  Because I AM excited for him.  He is going to do great.  He is going to love it.  Hudson and I, well we will have lots of time to try and figure each other out.  Hud and I could use some quality one-on-one time.  I do "brain know: all of this, my heart has just had difficulty getting on board with it.  

It is just so hard, as a mom, when you look at your little guy and you still see him as a baby.  

Your baby.  

If I close my eyes tight enough, I can still remember him, that size, as if he were still lying in my arms.  Maybe that is why my mom's favorite book reads: 

"I will love you forever 

I will like you for always

As long as I'm living 

My baby you'll be."

Because no matter how old they get, your heart still holds them tightly, as babies.

Lucky momma.