Seconds later she jerks away, weary of the cuddle already, or maybe trying to give me a clumsy kiss. In the process my nose is smashed. I yell, it hurts. She's startled and cries. The moment is gone.
Just. Like. That.
Seems to me that motherhood is guaranteed to be at least two things: painful and fleeting.
The second boy of mine turns seven today and I can't believe how fast it has gone, yet at the same time it has also been a long seven years. The first five years of mothering him were really hard for me. There was a lot of hurt as he and I struggled to figure each other out. We clashed, mostly because we are a lot alike. We both firmly believe that we are always right, in all things. I never realized how sensitive or stubborn I was until I parented an equally sensitive and stubborn child.
Things are better now between us, sometimes peaceful even. Of course, I am not naive enough to believe that more hard years won't come again, but for now I can say we have turned a corner and I am no longer living in fear of what may come. With this boy I already spent far too much time on the hurting parts to live in fear anymore. For the first five years I fed into the power struggles, I resisted them while engaging them. There was hurt and confusion made it me feel angry and helpless all of the time. I didn't understand yet that being a mom would be hard. At least not heart hard. Like every new mom I anticipated the sleepless nights, added stress and more laundry. What I didn't expect was the heartache I found and the paralyzing sense of helplessness my two year old helped to drudge up within me. To say the least, the hard parts unsettled me and I created a pattern of parenting that revolved around fear and the suffocating sense of inadequacy as his mom.
I can now give myself some grace for those early years, I was young and overconfident. While those years weren't lost by any means- I can fully admit they were not savored. Those years were spent reeling. Jumping from one meltdown to another. What I didn't know then (well I knew because everyone and their mother had told me), but what I did not know-know then was that those years wouldn't last forever. So each mini-crisis felt like further confirmation that I was ruining my baby, that he and I were destined to destroy each other with our powerful wills of opposition and highly sensitive ways of relating. It felt like it would never end. I remember it as such, vividly.
I didn't know-know then that over time I would get better at this parenting thing. I didn't know-know that I would eventually find some mommy maneuvers that would work, that maturity would happen (to both of us), that new techniques of relating would come into play for he and I or that a book (nay, all the books) would shed insight. I didn't know that if I stayed committed to my calling as his mother, time would have a way of smoothing rough edges and that what once felt unbearable would eventually become okay- good even. I didn't know time and experience could soften me if I would just allow it. I was oblivious to just how capable mom's are at adapting to challenges and to evolving in ways we never imagined possible.
Instead, those first years were spent consumed with the struggles of parenting a spirited, strong willed, sensitive sort of child. (Yep! I have read all the books!) While he is all of these things at times, he is also none of these things often. Regardless, who he is was never the problem. Looking back I can see it was more often my response to his personality which created the hardest struggle. I was consumed. All I could see was The Struggle. All I felt was the failure and the fear. If I am being honest, I was genuinely convinced that my life would forever be marked with melt-downs and emotional outbursts. Because it certainly felt like we were engaged in a battle constantly. Had I been asked three years ago, I would have assured you this battle would last 'till the end of time. I couldn't see progress, there was no light at the end of the tunnel and if one more person gave me a parenting "tip" or told me "this too shall pass" I might have hit them in the face. (Okay, not really- but really.) I was stuck in the struggle and it was this pattern of thinking that made things so much more difficult than they needed to be for me and for us. My belief that things would never change was strangling all hope of hope.
Of course I remember the feeling of the struggles- the struggles were my adversary and were eating me alive. I seem to remember well my opponents. Sadly though, what I don't remember near as clearly is our lovely moments. He and I snuggling, playing or even laughing. I can't recall them because I am not sure I ever let myself enjoy them, much less see them. See, even when things were fun- I've looked back at the pictures, there was lots of fun- I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting for the next meltdown, trying to outsmart and outwit what I knew for certain was inevitable: the next power struggle. There is no beautiful way to paint the ugly that is a mother engaged in war with her toddler or preschooler.
This is no way to parent and maintain sanity. I sacrificed beautiful memories to learn this lesson. Yes, some children require extra parental vigilance. They are sensitive, feisty, strong willed, diagnosed, medicated or loaded up with all the therapies. These Littles will take more energy, more tears, more strength, more prayers and heaven help us more community. I have met these Littles, loved these Littles, parented one of these Littles and worked with them professionally. They just need more. More everything, except for more someone's who are always expecting the worst from them.
The opposite of expecting the worst is to look for the best. These Littles, they also need to have more good things seen. More good recognized. And cherished. And remembered. And written down. Not just for their benefit, but for us moms! In the midst of difficult parenting years, diligently searching for and remembering the small, fleeting beautiful moments will be worth every effort. Write down the beautiful things your harder Littles do. Write it all down. Write it down to go back to them over and over and over again. Even if it is one thing a day. Heck, one thing a week! Month, even. Good things are happening, growth is there, the Holy Spirit is in this hard place somewhere- look carefully for any and every bright spot or glimmer of beauty and write it down every chance you get.
In the midst of struggle, especially parenting struggle when the relationships at stake are the ones you cherish most, it is so important to remember. Yes, those moments might be few and far between, momentary and nearly imperceptible- but look for them. They are there, although sometimes just blinking might cause you to miss them.
This is what I wish I had done differently: look for the good in him, then write it down. Then I would have looked for the good I was doing and write that down too.
Yes fellow mom's we are doing good. I know good is happening because you, as a momma are growing. Each new struggle, parenting challenge, day, week, year that passes you are getting better at this. Your baby is growing up, yes, and the reality is some of your hard stuff might actually get harder and last longer than it has for me right now. I can't promise that the behaviors or diagnosis of your baby will get better. I won't promise that because for some of our kiddos it will not. I hate that part. I hate that some grow out of it and some will not. It feels unfair in all of the ways.
What I can humbly offer up is my experience-
if you don't give up,
if you keep showing up for your babies
and keep doing your best,
if you seek community
and invite people into your life who will help you see the beauty in your child
and remind you of it constantly,
if you look for the good moments
and hold onto them in lieu of your fears for the future,
if you give yourself loads of grace
and time to figure this out,
if you ask God for every ounce of strength
and patience He has to offer you-
things will get better.
Maybe not because the situation has changed, but it will be better because you will have gotten better, better at this messy, often hard and always crazy motherhood thing.
Remember, motherhood is two things for certain: painful and fleeting. In between the tears, through them and often because of them we will grow. It is hard to see because of how fast the moments seem to happen and how much seems to happen all at once. But it is happening.
This is the tricky dichotomy, the moments are fleeting yet growth happens over long periods of time within and outside of the moments. Growth is slow and painful. It is really hard to see our progress in moments. Especially in hard moments that seem to drag on indefinitely into full-on seasons of despair. Mindfulness in the moments is good, but progress is best observed when we stop and quietly look back. The rear view mirror keeps us moving forward safely. This can be a hard pill to swallow in our On Demand, fix it fast, get results overnight culture- especially when we just want to be Super Perfect Mom for our babies RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill for becoming a magic, perfect mommy. I've looked. Instead this is a give it time, keep on showing up and don't stop trying sort of gig. The evolution of mom happens a lot slower than most of us would like or expect.
How is your rear view mirror? Have you paused lately to look back? Are you seeing any of the good things you are doing? The hugs given? The patience extended? The new way you handled that old, familiar battle? The vulnerability you shared, the vulnerability when you asked for help or prayer, the smile you offered another mom? The time you gave your own self a time out instead of leaving the house for good? Right along with our babies we are growing up too. It might be beautiful or messy or both and even hard to see- but this is your life too and life and growth IS happening in you.
Mom's are really good at marking big moments in their babies lives. Birthdays, first teeth, words and steps are often written down. We take pictures of their first and last day of school, bike rides and first sleepovers. But when is the last time we marked for ourselves a Mommy Milestone? Milestone's don't stop when we reach a certain age, it's just that the older we get the harder it is to see them. Being a mother means you are constantly working towards and reaching your own milestones as you grow, change and evolve as a mommy. Let us honor the progress we see in one another, let us honor the progress we find in ourselves.
If someone hasn't told you in awhile, let me: I know what you are doing, how hard you are working, how you would do anything and everything to give your babies the world. I know that if you don't give up, this hard thing will pass. It might not pass like you had hoped or imagined, but you will get so much better at managing it, responding to it and being okay in it! Still can't see it? I understand, I have been there too. So go find a friend and ask them. Say, "Tell me one thing I am doing good as a momma, please?" Ask this question and let your friend bless you with all they see in you, things you might not be able to see yet.
I used this verse in another post recently and I will share it again because I need to hear it again: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9" In order for a harvest to occur, change must be happening! Trust this, if you are leaning on the Lord you are growing and getting better.
Five years ago mindfulness was not on my radar, at least not in the context of parenting. Five years ago I would have not allowed myself a moment like yesterday to enjoy rocking my baby. My mind would have been reeling and probably preparing for a battle of some sort. Five years ago, had my nose been smashed during a snuggle I would have broken down in tears, convinced it was proof my second Little truly did subconsciously hate me. I am sad to say that for my first two babies I missed a lot of beautiful moments because I was too busy caught up in busy and struggle and fear. Too preoccupied with juggling all of my perceived inadequacies as a mother. But I am not that same momma, I have grown. I have not perfectly arrived (far from it!), but I am different. I have changed. I know-know things now that I did not understand then. This is proof of my evolution and I will honor it.
These words today are for my birthday boy. I can't get back years to re-cherish them or re-do them. But I can choose to use those years to make me be a better momma for him now. I have come to believe the best gift we can give our kids is to grow right along with them. This means we don't start off perfect. We start off as good moms, with all sorts of room to grow. This means we consistently look back and see all the things we would now do differently if we could go back in a time machine. And this isn't regret, this is the harvest of growth. Relish in it because you have toiled for it.
With all my heart, in honor of my H2's seventh birthday I wish that my words, story and struggle can help even one mom see herself and her baby in a new, forgiving and more grace filled light.
Happy birthday my curious, creative, contemplative and loving little boy. Thank you for teaching me each day and each passing year that I am not where I thought I would be, but I am certainly not where I once was. This is gift, growth and all good. You are loved Sugar Plum. Tonight we will look at all of the pictures and let the photos remind us of all the good and of all the growth. By the grace of God we will create some new memories to cherish from here on out. You are my blessing my handsome boy.
Love always,
your always growing Mom
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