Letter of the week is: M

Today another mom mentioned via Facebook, that she feels "ill-equipped" for the start of this new year of school.  The phrase she used hit home.  Ill-equipped.  How true that rings for me.  I have felt ill-equipped for all of 2013 thus far.  Kindergarten is just ANOTHER example of ANOTHER thing I am embarking on that I YET AGAIN feel totally unprepared to succeed at. I am not even the one starting school, Mr. Magoo is!!

The truth is, and I never really understood this before, but kindergarten is the start of a new journey for ME, for the parents.  New norms, new routines, new language, new acronyms, new people to know, to impress, pick up times, drop off times and on and on.  There is just crap, a whole lot of new crap you have to remember and store in a brain that already feels like it is about to explode.  (Could this be why so many of my mommy friends with school-agers have impeccable planner/calendar systems???)

With all of this "newness" descending upon our household, I will be the first to admit that things here feel chaotic, unstable and maybe a tad out of control.

Translation:  I feel out of control. 

And when that happens, my natural response kicks in and I get down to the business of Becoming Controlling.  Only, that doesn't really work out too well for me.  I end up cranky, mean and down right miserable... all while making those around me (my family) miserable as well.  So in addition to a situation being crazy, I get all crazy too.  In the most loving and controlling of ways, of course.  I envision my children with Controlling Me as their mom to be A LOT like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyland.

Anyhow, in the midst of me trying to get a handle on what it means to be the mom of a kindergartner, Hayden has all this homework that needs to be done and then it needs to be turned in, in this fancy schmancy folder, on this one certain day of the week, by like 7:53 am.  Or something like that.  Seriously, this homework business has me in breakdown mode... because all I can think about is that somewhere, sometime, some really smart person told me that the best way to teach good lifelong study habits is to have kids do their homework in the same place, at the same time, every night, while wearing a beanie and sitting at a white Logan style Pottery Barn Kids desk, starting on the first day of kindergarten for the rest of their lives.  Or something like that.  All of this is running in my head while I am desperately trying to make sense of the "Parents Read This" paperwork and feel some sense of mastery, or rather elementary understanding, over what it is exactly that I am supposed to know and do. When...

Hayden does the UNTHINKABLE.  

He colors a blue item, red. 

This goes against EVERYTHING the directions said and that I had clearly read out loud to him just moments before.  And I, in my most shameful moment thus far, of my very UNdistinguished parenting career, say in my most controlling voice, (after I already had pointed out his mistake):  

"Well, that is just too bad because you can't erase crayon."

And then I see his little lip tremble.

Because you see, I was embarrassed.  I didn't want the teacher to think that I didn't have it all together.  That I didn't read Hayden his directions clearly enough.  Or that I didn't help him enough with his homework.  Or that heaven forbid he might actually like blue item's red.  

I let MY insecurities hurt my baby.

I would like to say that I immediately got a grip and hugged him and profusely apologized for being a HUGE JERK undeserving to be called his mother, but I would be taking undue credit.  Because the story didn't end there.  Hayden didn't cry.  His lip trembled and then he said to me: 

"Well, it was a mistake.  So why does Miss Fizzle say we should 'Take chances, make mistakes and get messy?'" (Miss Fizzle being the teacher from the book/cartoon The Magic School Bus).

That snapped back into reality.  I hugged him, sought forgiveness and talked about how Miss Fizzle says that all the time because she needs to remind the grown-ups that it is okay to make mistakes and that mistakes really do help us learn.

Hayden then asked if I would make a sign that says:

"make mistakes and get messy" 

and hang it up so that I wouldn't forget anymore. 

It just so happens that the Letter of the Week in Hayden's  class is "M."  "Mistakes" and "messy" both start with  "M."  So does, "Mom" and "mercy"  And for me, being a mom means making a lot of mistakes and messes and seeking a lot of mercy.  Mercy from my children. And thankfully receiving A LOT of mercy and grace from my God.

"Control," however does not start with "M."  I am learning that there is very, very little I can control as a momma.  This is really a hard thing for me.  But I promise I am trying.  And allowing and encouraging myself (and my children) to make mistakes and get messy seems like a really good place to begin again.  

PS.  We discovered that black crayon and the word "OOPS!" is a perfectly wonderful solution to a blue item that has been mistakenly colored red.